But You Seem Fine: The Things We Miss When Someone Is Still Functioning

But you seem fine.

Sometimes this statement is meant as reassurance. Sometimes, it is disbelief. And, sometimes it tells us something important about the way we understand mental health: we tend to notice suffering once it becomes visible.

The child whose grades suddenly drop gets our attention.

The teenager who stops talking to friends gets our attention.

The employee who can no longer keep up at work gets our attention.

The person who reaches a breaking point gets our attention.

But, what about the child getting straight A’s who lies awake worrying about making a mistake?

The teenager laughing with friends who spends part of every day deciding which parts of themselves are safe to reveal?

The parent everyone depends on who cannot remember the last time someone asked how they were doing?

The person who looks completely comfortable in the room because they have become very good at figuring out how to be comfortable for everyone else?

They may be functioning.

That doesn’t necessarily tell us how they are doing.

We Are Very Good at Noticing When Things Fall Apart

Much of the way we recognize emotional distress is based on change.

We notice when someone stops doing something they used to do. When behavior becomes disruptive. When performance declines. When relationships begin suffering.

Those changes matter.

But, there is a problem with waiting for distress to become visible: some people become exceptionally good at carrying difficult things without dropping anything.

For children and adolescents, that can look like being

• the “easy” child.
• the responsible one.
• the mature one.
• the child who doesn’t cause problems because there are already enough problems.

It can look like perfectionism that adults praise because the grades are excellent.

It can look like a young person who has learned exactly what version of themselves works in each environment.

• At home, one version.
• At school, another.
• With friends, perhaps another still.

None of this automatically means a child is struggling. Children adapt to different environments just as adults do.

But, sometimes we become so reassured by a child’s ability to function that we forget to wonder what functioning requires of them.

Sometimes Belonging Comes With a Calculation

Imagine having to make dozens of tiny decisions before you can simply participate in your day.

• Can I say who I spent the weekend with?
• Should I correct that assumption?
• Is it safe to use this name here?
• Can I wear this?
• Does this person know?
• Will this teacher understand?
• Will my parents?
• What happens if I’m wrong about who is safe?

For some LGBTQIA+ children, adolescents, and adults, these aren’t hypothetical questions. They can become part of navigating ordinary relationships and environments. And, the person doing all of that calculating may still look perfectly fine.

That matters because concealment is sometimes discussed as though the solution is simply to encourage people to “be themselves.”

Authenticity, however, requires something from the environment, too. People need places where being known does not come at too high a cost.

A young person who shares one part of themselves with friends and another with family may not be confused or dishonest. Rather, they may understand their environment very well.

An adult who carefully decides what to disclose at work may not lack confidence. Sometimes people aren’t hiding because they need to become braver. Sometimes they are paying attention to whether the people around them have demonstrated that it is safe enough for them to be seen.

The People Who Need the Least May Be the People We’ve Learned to Ask the Least

There is another consequence of appearing capable.

People begin believing you are.

• The responsible child gets more responsibility.
• The dependable friend becomes the person everyone calls.
• The family member who handles difficult situations continues handling them.
• The person who rarely asks for anything gradually becomes the person no one thinks to ask.

Eventually, an identity can form around it:

• I’m the strong one.
• I’m the easy one.
• I’m the one who doesn’t need much.
• I’m the one who takes care of everyone else.

Those identities can contain real strengths. Independence, empathy, adaptability, responsibility, and resilience are not problems we need to eliminate.

However, even strengths can become heavy when someone begins to believe they are not allowed to put them down.

Maybe We Are Asking the Wrong Question

When we want to know whether someone is okay, we often look for evidence.

• Are they going to work?
• Are they keeping up with school?
• Are they spending time with friends?
• Are they taking care of themselves?
• Are they still laughing?

If the answer is yes, we feel reassured.

Perhaps there is another question worth asking: How much effort does it take for them to look okay?

That question changes something.

It shifts our attention from performance to experience.

For a child, this might mean noticing more than grades and behavior.

For an LGBTQIA+ young person, it might mean creating a relationship in which they do not have to disclose anything before knowing they will be accepted.

For someone who always seems strong, it might mean resisting the urge to say, “I know you’ll handle it.”

And for ourselves, it might mean reconsidering the belief that because we can continue carrying something, we should… that because we have always done it on our own, we should.

What We Carry

Throughout October, we will be talking about What We Carry: The Mental Health Experiences Others May Not See.

Some things are hidden intentionally.

Some are simply difficult to explain.

Some have been carried for so long that we stop recognizing their weight.

And some are invisible because the person carrying them has become remarkably good at making them look light.

Maybe noticing begins not with trying harder to identify who is struggling, but with creating families, relationships, schools, workplaces, and communities where people don’t have to fall apart before we make room for what they are carrying because “still functioning” and “doing well” are not always the same thing.